Remember

What makes it easy to treat people bad?

Some things you say and you can't take 'em back

What makes it easy to run from the past,

like a child runs from the dark?

Which is the poison and which is the wine?

The scent and the colors are so much alike

And how much of each will it take to decide,

when your at the table alone?

Where do you go when it's perfectly clear?

You might find your way but you won't find it here

What makes it easy to sound so sincere,

when you know that you don't care? 

- "Find My Love", The Avett Brothers

Yesterday, a friend's sermon reminded me how important it is to remember God's love. We usually run from pain instead of pressing into it and remembering Jesus. Instead of embracing feelings of failure and guilt and letting them point us back to the Gospel, we try to act like they don't exist or worse - we just feel more guilty for feeling guilty! That, I think, is the vicious cycle I have been in for awhile. It came out in tears yesterday. I feel like a failure... and it's OK. That means I'm human and not perfect and I need a Savior. I don't have to be right all the time. That's all I've got for now... and it's enough.

False Promises

As part of a study my wife and I are doing together, I was asked to journal about false promises I have believed in rather than trusting Jesus. This is my attempt after two weeks of reflection.

As a child, I was one of those kids that received too much positive reinforcement from my family. I believed I was the favorite. I believed I was smarter than literally everyone I knew. I may have been somewhat precocious, but I also sought attention for it. I delighted in the positive feedback and often rubbed it in my sister's face. Yes, I was "that kid".

Combine all that with the emotional trauma I experienced from the complete and total rejection of my family at age 15, and you have a recipe for narcissism. As an adult, I still struggle with a need for attention and approval, feelings of superiority and clan-destiny, as well as a tendency to get down on myself and suspicious of others. I also find myself feeling anxious or angry depending on my circumstances.

My past is no excuse for my troubles, but it helps explain my particular imbalance. There are a number of false promises I have believed:

- I am intelligent enough to make my own path (without God).
- I am destined to succeed in life (by my own skill).
- I am entitled to a better than average lot (see above).
- Other people are there to help me get there (for me to take advantage of).
- I am a victim (so don't criticize me).

That's enough of a start... I'm sure there's more to it. Jesus has an answer for all that. He is the master of my path. He promises no worldly success, but he does promise approval in Christ. I am helpless without Him. I am not worthy. But I am more loved than I could imagine. I need not be suspicious of others or seek to use them. I need not fear criticism. All I need to do is look at Jesus.

I love NFL football. Last night, the Jets lost to the Texans but it was not as ugly as people thought it would be. Everyone expected Mark Sanchez to loss his starting job to Tim Tebow. The fans and media were clearly hoping Sanchez would flop. His play was average, but not bad enough to get him benched. Given the pressure, it could have been a lot worse. Before the game, one of the commentators said they talked to the coach, Rex Ryan, about the situation. The question: "What did you tell Sanchez to get his mind off of the pressure?" Ryan replied, "I told him to just look at me. My opinion is the only one that matters."

Rex Ryan is no savior and I'm not an NFL quarterback, but I need to hear Jesus saying that to me every day.

"Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly." Matthew 11:28-30 (The Message)